How The Fight Started...

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started...

I asked my wife,’ Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!’ she said. So I suggested, ‘ How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started...

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,’ Do you want to have sex? 'No,' she answered. I then said,’ Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying’ Yes.' So I said,’ then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first…'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, ‘what’s on TV?' I said, ’ dust.'

And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale...

And then the fight started...
.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him?' 'Yes,' she sighed,’ He’s my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.' 'My gosh!' I said,’ Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
.
I rear-ended a car this morning... So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said,’ Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...
.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf…always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors…I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,’When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Summer Classes For Women

Summer Classes for Women

 

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

 

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Friday, Sept 28, 2009

 

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

 

Class 1

 

Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

 

Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.

 

Class 2

 

Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?Round Table Discussion.

 

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

 

Class 3

 

Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.

 

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

Class 4

 

Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

 

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

 

Class 5

 

Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?Examples on Video.

 

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

 

Class 6

 

How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.Help Line Support and Support Groups.

 

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

 

Class 7

 

Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?

 

Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

 

Class 8

 

Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!

 

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

Class 9

 

I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.

 

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

 

Class 10

 

How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.Driving Simulations.

 

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

 

Class 11

 

Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.

 

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

 

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

 

Send this to all your guy friends for the best chuckle of their day . . .. and to all your gal friends who have a sense of humor . . .

 

Others, lighten up, it is only a joke! :-)

Fork Love

Just when I thought there wasn't anything else I could possibly do to irritate my wife, I was proven wrong...

"Would you stop that already!", she says. "You look like you are making love to your fork!"

I guess it was possible, but this little habit of mine had never surfaced until now. Maybe it's because I am trying to make a conscience effort to eat less food and eat it slower. After she had brought this to my attention, I recall slowly licking this utensil, attempting to get whatever crumb or drop of sauce that might have been accidentally left behind.

This might be odd, but until I crawl into bed and snuggle up to some day old pizza, I wish to be left alone to love my food in any manner that I see fit.



aFRAYed

So we were headed out the door to go see a play that my son was in. My wife looks at me and says, "You are going to where that?" Thinking to myself, "Why yes, its what I got on." She followed up by saying she wished I would dress up a little when we go out, as I make her feel like she has to always dress down.

I absolutely saw nothing wrong with the G80's (gay-eighties) "Hair Metal Band" frayed jeans I was wearing. I gave in and went and put some shorts on. She says, "Don't you have any nice pants?" I replied, "I can't squeeze into any of them..."

Disclaimer

The opinions expressed here are the views of the writer (which is me - the HUSBAND) and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of the other parties involved (that being my WIFE). Any blog entries are subject to change without notice at any time as they may strongly differ from the views of my significant other and might put me into the most undesirable of circumstances.

In addition, my thoughts and opinions change from time to time...I consider this a necessary consequence of having an open mind. Dates, events, situations, the color of my shirt, and actual facts may change as I am anticipating my spouse to read this blog and quickly correct any inconsistencies within any stories that I might have perceived in an incorrect fashion.

This blog is intended to provide a semi-permanent point in time snapshot and manifestation of the various memes running around my brain, and as such, any thoughts and opinions expressed within out-of-date posts may not be the same, nor even similar, to those I may hold today.