Coke With Lemon...No Thanks!

Now I know the reason why I never asked for a lemon with my Coke...

How The Fight Started...

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started...

I asked my wife,’ Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!’ she said. So I suggested, ‘ How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started...

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,’ Do you want to have sex? 'No,' she answered. I then said,’ Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying’ Yes.' So I said,’ then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first…'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, ‘what’s on TV?' I said, ’ dust.'

And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale...

And then the fight started...
.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him?' 'Yes,' she sighed,’ He’s my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.' 'My gosh!' I said,’ Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
.
I rear-ended a car this morning... So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said,’ Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...
.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf…always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors…I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,’When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

She Will Multiply

Words to Remember...

Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit.

Summer Classes For Women

Summer Classes for Women

 

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

 

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Friday, Sept 28, 2009

 

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

 

Class 1

 

Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

 

Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.

 

Class 2

 

Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?Round Table Discussion.

 

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

 

Class 3

 

Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.

 

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

Class 4

 

Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

 

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

 

Class 5

 

Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?Examples on Video.

 

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

 

Class 6

 

How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.Help Line Support and Support Groups.

 

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

 

Class 7

 

Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?

 

Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

 

Class 8

 

Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!

 

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

Class 9

 

I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.

 

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

 

Class 10

 

How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.Driving Simulations.

 

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

 

Class 11

 

Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.

 

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

 

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

 

Send this to all your guy friends for the best chuckle of their day . . .. and to all your gal friends who have a sense of humor . . .

 

Others, lighten up, it is only a joke! :-)

Remembering 9/11

On Friday, September 11th, 2009, an American flag should be displayed outside every home, apartment, office, and store in the United States.

Every individual should make it their duty to display an American flag on this eighth anniversary of one of our country's worst tragedies.

We do this to honor those who lost their lives on 9/11, their families, friends and loved ones who continue to endure the pain, and those who today are fighting at home and abroad to preserve our cherished freedoms.

In the days, weeks and months following 9/11, our country was bathed in American flags as citizens mourned the incredible losses and stood shoulder-to-shoulder against terrorism. Sadly, those flags have all but disappeared. Our patriotism pulled us through some tough times and it shouldn't take another attack to galvanize us in solidarity. Our American flag is the fabric of our country and together we can prevail over terrorism of all kinds

The Food Court

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.

 

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

 

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

 

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

 

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

 

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

 

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."